Stupid head

Journal 12 Jan 17

I wrote this before we went away to NYC. I was stressed and panicking. What if the trip wasn’t perfect? How do I make it perfect? Well all my fears proved to be for nothing as a few things happened that I never expected which just goes to show that maybe I should learn to chill out rather than make everything perfect?

In a week we go to New York and then Iceland on the way back. Amazing right? Am I excited? Today I am but for the past week I haven’t been. I’ve been so stressed about making it perfect. Last night I came to the realisation that I’m fussing over the little details and that simply being excited and happy isn’t even on my list. My whole belief in getting everything right is simply wrong.

I hate that I’ve put my wife through unnecessary stress over the past week. I’m trying to be excited. It’s hard for me because I don’t like to know too much about a place before we go somewhere. I like to be surprised. I don’t like to have other people’s photos in my head while I’m there. I want to photograph my reaction to the place. Normal people would be drooling over websites and ideas right now.

I know I put too much pressure on myself. I know. But I just want what’s best, what’s right, perfection and all that nonsense. I know it’s impossible and yet I try.

How am I better today? How am I more excited? How did I break free? Well I sat in bed crying for a while. I missed our cat and her ability to make everything less bad. I miss my wife being silly with our cat to make me smile. So I cried. I talked too. My wife and I walked through the problems in my head and we came to the conclusion that as long as we’re together having fun, even if it’s not perfect. Afterwards the fun and the struggles all add flavour to the memories.

These sound like obvious things. I already knew that if it’s just my wife and I off somewhere we have fun. Past experience tells me that. But you know there’s knowing the path and there’s walking the path.

So. Cry. Talk. Fall apart. If you’ve got someone then they’ll help you back on your feet. Man that sounds so self help book, as does this. Ugh. I dunno. Punch a pillow with the face Trump on, a lot. But also talk :) Talking is good, sometimes tough but good.

by

Photographer and part time Spider-man.