Not being good enough

Personal 20 Oct 15

I sat down last night with full intention of posting my best Iceland photos. Ive got about 22 that are sorted into a group for posting. They’re good solid photos. They tick all the right boxes. Beautiful light. Epic landscapes. A land of fire (which we didn’t see) and ice (which we did). They filmed Interstellar there and also Game of Thrones. The light is magical. You know what you’re getting when you see a link for Iceland photos. Maybe that’s why I turned the laptop off and played Mass Effect 3 instead then.

I’m having a hard time with mentally filing Iceland in my brain. Maybe I need to get the Hasselblad photos scanned. Maybe they will be the photos I’m looking for. There is however a worry that they won’t be and I’ll be even more despondent than I am now.

These things are caused by depression. You don’t see it that way. You don’t sit there and go “Oh I’m depressed. Ok, mute head and carry on.” No. You sit there and think “Meh. I dunno.” I know that my brain is causing negative thought processes just for funsies. It’s reminding me that Flickr/Instagram has already done Iceland and I’m just another tourist taking the same photos as everyone else, using the same VSCO presets and #winning just as much as anyone else is. You’re supposed to counteract these thoughts with evidence. If there’s no evidence to support the depressed mind then build evidence to support happy mind and move on.

Unfortunately I can easily look at Flickr and see better, worse and similar photos to the ones I have taken. So what am I adding to the conversation? “Me too.” That makes me feel like I’m in primary school pretending to know what band everyone is talking about just so I’m not seen as “un-cool”. Maybe I just feel like I’ve spent 6 days taking tourist photos perfect for “Retweet if you love Iceland” style tweets. Maybe the Internet is adding a level of pressure that shouldn’t exist, or maybe should exist to force me to try and do something different? I don’t know.

I should probably stop giving myself a hard time. I’m not a landscape photographer. I’m not a fan of all the cliches involved. Wide vista at sunset with mountain in the background and stones in the foreground. I don’t like cliches. Whats the point doing the same as everyone else? It’s done. Move on. I mean look at these cover photos. It’s such an Instagram cliche. Landscape. Person in centre frame. Yeah!

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They are good photos. Don’t get me wrong. But they’re cliches now. My concern, and possible reason why I bought a Hasselblad just for the trip, was that I would produce a holiday photo album of cliches. I don’t do landscapes so yeah I probably wouldn’t take great world changing photos. Surely coming back with solid photos is enough? I guess it should be but most times when I travel I come back excited and energised. Most times when I travel I visit a city and play with the architecture and wait for interesting street photography type moments to appear. I’m able to get photos that I feel like no-one else has taken.

Maybe there’s absolutely nothing wrong outside of depression clouding my mind? If you’re colour blind everyone else will see things clearly but no matter how hard you try you’ll see it the way you see it. That’s where I’m at. I look at my photos and I just can’t help but see something that makes me sad.